The Burning (1981)

      Watched The Burning, a movie directed by Tony Maylam.  The movie takes place 5 years after a group of kids at a summer camp accidentally set the care taker on fire.  The man who was set on fire was named Cropsy, and he is out to get his revenge on the kids that set him on fire!

      A lot of people probably havent heard of this movie because it was shadowed by the success of Friday the 13th at the time.  Both movies are often related because they both take place at a summer camp, and are both about a madman who is getting his revenge on the present campers.  People say this movie is ripping off Friday The 13th, but apparently the script for this movie was written before Friday The 13th! ho ho hoo.

     This movie was a lot of fun.  The weapon of choice for Cropsy is hedge clippers, which are perfect for brutal killings.  This movie is full of gore, each kill they probably used a gallon of fake blood.  In one scene, the blood was shot across the room hitting a mirror.

     Another gem to this movie was that Jason Alexander was in it.  I had no idea of this going in to this movie, and was pretty surprised.  It turns out it was his first movie haaahaa.  It was funny to see him play the cool/jokester of the group.  The second I recognized him, I was thinking to myself, oh shit I wonder how hes gonna die in this!, unfortunately he lives :(

      The characters were made up of the basic cliche characters for most of the slasher horror movies, cool guy, hot girls, nerdy girls, nerdy guys etc.   One character that stood out was this douche bag named Glazer, he played this muscular guy who thought he was cool shit.  He pissed me off and made me laugh at the same time.  BOO YA.

     IN CONCLUSION, fun movie, its on the instant queue on netflix, if you like 80s slasher movies then check it out, you wont be disappointed.

My Bloody Valentine (1981)

      Watched My Bloody Valentine, a film by George Mihalka.  Overall I was not that impressed.  The movie is about these miners that got buried alive while underground while a valentines day dance was going on, one guy named Harry Warden survived and has killed people every time the town had a valentines day dance.

     I think I enjoyed the idea of this movie more than the story itself. I found the gas mask to be a creepy thing for a killer to wear, and to have him kill people with the pick axe he used while mining was cool.  What WASN'T cool was the killings/deaths of this movie.  Every time someone was about to be killed by Harry Warden the movie would cut out to a different scene, then later on show the outcome of the killings.  The normal horror movie would show everything. 

    Not much else to say, the acting was alright, except for this one girl who freaked the fuck out during all the deaths, but when Harry Warden was right in front of her, she barely reacted. tha fack.  I was convinced one actor was Chris Parnell, but according to IMDB it wasnt! so that sucked. Anyways, watch this movie if you wanna see a wannabe slasher movie, with an okay story.

     My main flaw was with the end, with the killer ending up being Axl.  So why Axl?, because Harry Warden killed his father.  Now what im confused with is, why would Axl want to kill all of his friends because of what Harry Warden did to his father?. Doesn't make any sense, if anything Axl should have hunted down Harry Warden and killed him!  I'm still scratching my head about that one, an hour after watching.

Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

      Just watched Who Can Kill a Child? (Island of the Damned), a film by Narciso Ibáñez Serrador.  Basically its about this British couple who are on vacation, and decide to sail over to an island off the Spanish coast, which they quickly figure out is completely ran by mad children.

     Overall I really enjoyed this film,  the overall story was good, forcing the question Who Can Kill a Child? and after watching, my answer is ME, I would definitely kill every kid on that island.  Starting with the brat kid fishing and not telling the man what he was fishing for.  It takes a while for the couple to realize this island is ran by kids, it takes a young girl who beats an old man to death with his cane for them to realize something is up.  None of the kids had speaking lines, which I thought was interesting, adding to the mystery of the whole thing.  The kids did a good job pissing off the viewers of this movie.  Everyone of them had this annoying look to them, and every time someone died they would just laugh and run around, which was pretty terrifying.

     The movie begins with footage of the casualties from war, and the people suffering.  And through all the footage, they state how many kids have died during these wars.  The intentions of this were to show that kids basically cant do anything while all the adults around them are fighting for whatever reason, killing everybody.  So basically the movie is showing a bunch of kids who are turning the tables on the situation, and decide to kill all the grown ups.  GENIUS.

     Before viewing the movie, I had the intentions that a movie could not show someone killing a kid, well apparently they can, because the man kills a bunch.  That was weird to me, because obviously its fake, but these kid actors actually had to pretend like they got shot and were bleeding to death, something about that doesn't sit right with me. Also, a scene including a bunch of kids ripping the shirt off a dead woman didn't seem right to me.  Although acting, they are still forced to see and do things that children shouldn't be doing.

     A part I thought was kind of strange was how all the kids could communicate with each other just by staring at each other.  That seemed like the only really impractical part of the movie.  Although I liked how they had the kid communicate with the baby in the woman's stomach in the beginning of the movie, basically telling it to kill her, which it does later in the movie! HA

Pieces (1982)

  
      Pieces is a movie by Juan Piquer Simon, and is about this killer going around this school campus in Boston, killing girls and taking pieces of them in order to piece together a perfect girl!  Now the only reason I heard about this movie is because Eli Roth has stated that it is his all time favorite.

      The story itself was pretty interesting and scary.  To have this crazy killer chopping girls up taking pieces.  I liked how the killer would piece together a puzzle of this naked girl, showing what pieces of real girls he is after next.

      Through the movie you are trying to figure out who the killer is, and the movie gives about 4 suspects including, a student, a janitor, the principal, and this teacher.  I thought it was funny that they didnt really expect anything from the janitor, even though hes the one who is always chopping down trees with a chainsaw etc.  Also a bit that made me laugh was when the teacher was giving a tour to these cops and the teacher brings them to his classroom where he shows them a skull that a former student gave him and he states that its a "16 year old girl skull" bahahaha.  They also hire this blond pro tennis player, to be undercover at the school? or something, all I know is she looked exactly like a young Pamela Anderson. 

     Overall it wasn't that scary, the killings were pretty amusing however.  Id say the scariest part was at the final minute of the movie bahhaaaaaahaahaa. I suggest this movie to horror fans, who like low-budget, stupid-fun horror movies. blah blah BLAH

Suspiria (1977)

     
      Watched Suspiria because i've read its Argento's best film, and I had a lot of fun watching Demons, SO WHY NOT! So basically its about this girl who goes to this dance academy, and while shes there people are dying and weird stuff is happening and it turns out the academy is ran by a coven of witches!

      Now normally if I read a description and it included witches, I most likely wouldn't watch, BUT it was on the instant queue and had excellent reviews so..yeah.

      Overall it was a pretty good movie. It wasn't that scary of a movie, the music was probably the scariest part.  If you think about it realistically I'm sure it would be terrifying, but the movie itself didn't do it for me.  The use of colored light was pretty interesting, using exaggerated blues,reds, etc.,I haven't seen lights used like that before in horror movies, SO THAT WAS COOL.  I found the story to be kind of slow, and I got bored with it at parts. I will say the opening scenes were awesome, with the girl getting hung in the center of the room through the glass ceiling, And the ending scenes were pretty scary, but other than that there wasn't much gore or any really scary parts.

    I recommend it to anyone who wants to see a classic Italian horror movie.  But if ridiculous gore and intensely scary scenes is what you are looking for, then you will probably not enjoy this that much.

Buried (2010)

     
      JUST finished watching Buried, and I fucking loved it. The movie is directed by Rodrigo Cortes and stars Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Reynolds only. So the movie is about this American truck driver who works in Iraq, that gets attacked by a group of Iraqis while making a delivery in his truck, and ends up waking up in a coffin underground, left with a phone, pencil, lighter, flashlight, alcohol, and glow sticks.

      The entire movie takes place in this coffin, that's it.  and when I first read about this movie early last year, I was extremely curious as to how they could pull that off.  After viewing id say they pulled it off excellently.  I never once lost interest in what was going on. The lighting in the movie came from the cell phone, lighter, flashlight and glow sticks, which really gave that claustrophobic feeling of being trapped in this coffin.  The movie made me feel anxious and curious as to what was going to happen next.  I'm not a huge fan of Ryan Reynolds, and I was puzzled as to why they would cast him out of all the actors out there. but nonetheless I was very impressed with Reynolds in this movie.  He made me as a viewer get drawn into his character and really feel the way he was feeling. Overall excellent movie, deff one of my favorites of 2010, and I highly recommend it.

      In the movie Ryan Reynolds character, Paul, calls many different people, including his wife who doesn't pick up, the police, fbi, and this hostage control guy.  Paul, being an average guy, not a soldier, is constantly thinking that the people on the other line of the phone are doing absolutely nothing to help him.  It would be easy to assume this because Paul has no idea if what they are saying is true or not.  While talking to the hostage control guy, named Dan, Paul asks if they have actually saved anybody.  Dan is stuck in a pickle and says he has rescued a man named Mark White.  This gave Paul hope that they will eventually rescue him and everything will be ok, because they did so with Mark White.  The fact that they used an average guy as the character, allows the viewer to really relate to him, and gives the fear that this situation could happen to anybody!

      Now at the end of the movie when the coffin is quickly filling up with sand, Dan calls and states that they found him and will be there in 3 minutes, well this hypes Paul up and he quickly talks to his wife and assures her that everything is going to be okay.  then right when he is convinced he is getting saved, Dan calls and says oh my god its Mark White, im sorry Paul (or something like that).  so that left me thing "Wait, Mark White?, didnt they save him?"... so this has had me thinking for a good hour after watching the movie, and have come up with the conclusion that Dan lied to Paul about Mark White to give comfort to Paul, when in reality Mark White was still lost.  Dan tells Paul at the end of the movie, that someone in the area knew of an American who was buried alive, and told them where he was.  This lead Dan away from Paul and to Mark, because the person was referring to Mark, not Paul.  This is because Paul was JUST buried and nobody knew about him, where Mark was buried for three weeks. *cracks fingers, leans back-hands behind head*

The Green Hornet (2011)

   
      sup. nothin. Just saw The Green Hornet, directed by Michel Gondry starring Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, and Cameron Diez.  The movies about this guy Britt Reid who lives this crazy carefree life, whose dad suddenly dies! After his death Reid decides to team up with his dads mechanic Kato, to pose as villains in order to get closer to the bad guys so that they can take them down!

      Being a fan of Gondry's Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind led me to wanting to see this movie, along with Seth Rogen and Christoph Waltz.  Overall I'm sad to say, there were some disappointments.  First off, the movies release was sent back because they wanted to convert it to 3-D, so I'm thinking to myself, Whoah! 3-D Cool Man!, butttttt after viewing it in 3-D I would say that was a waste of time and money.  There was probably about five 10 second scenes that were cool in 3-D, but other than that, I would have been perfectly happy seeing it in 2-D.

      My second complaint is the PG-13 rating, I understand that the people making this movie want to appeal to a large audience, and R rated movies cannot achieve that.  But I feel it would have been a lot better if it was rated R.  The lack of swears coming out of Seth Rogens mouth seemed odd! and the lack of blood and gore in the fight scenes was a let down.

      My third complaint is Christoph Waltz's role.  After seeing him for the first time in Inglourious Basterds as the Jew Hunter, I had very high hopes for his future roles.  In this movie, he played basically the leader of all the bad shit that goes on in the area.  He had short scenes/lines, that didn't really effect me as a viewer.  It is possible that I was comparing him to much to the Jew Hunter, but WHATEVA.

     Fourth complaint-ish is Cameron Diez.  The moment I saw that she was cast for this movie I punched the shit right out of my cat. Although I find her attractive (mmm mama)  her acting is unbearable.  Luckily her role in this movie wasn't thaaattt big, so I was able to live with it.

      There were however, positives to this movie.  The editing of the fight scenes were awesome.  In the movie Kato has to ability to slow down time when his heart starts racing, so the editing to show his character slowing down time and focusing on everything was very cool.  Although it was PG-13 comedy, it was still enjoyable comedy.  Seth Rogen can make any role funny, and didn't disappoint in this movie.  Also all the cars, weapons and gadgets were awesome.  buhhmmmmm yeah.

      Overall there were some disappointments, but the positives to this movie were able to override all the negatives, making it still an enjoyable movie to watch!  

Demons (1985)

      HEY! just watched Demons, an Italian horror movie from '85 directed by Lamberto Bava.  The movie is about this group of people that get invitations to go to this theater to watch an unknown movie.  So they all go to the theater and end up watching a horror movie about people that become demons because they put on a mask that they found.  Simultaneous to the movie, a girl becomes a demon in the bathroom, because she put on a mask that was displayed in the lobby. HA! So this chick ends up creating a chain reaction of people become demons, by infecting one. 

      Overall it was a really enjoyable movie.  Tons of gore and brutal scenes, unlike I have ever seen before. Like blood dripping out of the persons fingernails as they become longer and sharper. The variety of characters was NEAT,  including a black pimp and a blind guy.  The overall acting wasn't great, but I didn't go in expecting Academy Award winning shit, so it didn't bother me!

      Although I have only seen about three Italian horror movies, it is becoming clear how different they are from American horror movies.  Different in a good way!  There really is no limits in the minds of the directors.  They will do anything to trigger the viewers fear senses in ways you cant imagine.

      Oh, and the soundtrack to this movie was awesome. Including songs from Billy Idol and Motley Crue. Also the main theme song of this movie was fucking awesome, listen for yourself!

Merv The Perv

      Merv The Perv- Character by Chris Parnell from Seasons 28-30 of Saturday Night Live. 

Includes Merv trying to pick up women using disgusting, perverted lines.

examples- 

"Ill break every bone in your body!" - girl

"Id like to break in your bod with my boney!" - Merv

-----

"well well well, lookie here, all of these skirts, and me with only one wiener!"

----

 "hey, what a coi-inky-dink, looks like im not the only one who digs it when panties are 20% off"

----

"Ho Ho Ho ladies!, who wants to sit on santas lap?!"

"no thanks merv!"

"ok fine, how about my face!"

----

"Howdy prego!, if that's a little lady you got in there, then I'm lookin at my first 3-way!"

   
      Thanks to NETFLIX instant queue, you can watch Merv anytime you'd like!
Included in episodes with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Johnny Knoxville, Andy Roddick and Colin Farrell.
      And at the end of every skit it zooms in on him panting like a dog. Shits hilarious, and its funny watching Amy Poehler trying not to laugh, I highly recommend checking it out!!!!!!!

Frozen (2010)

   
      Just finished watching Frozen, directed by Adam Green, Staring Shawn Ashmore, Emma Bell, and Kevin Zegers. Its an independent movie about three friends, two of which are dating, who go snowboarding/skiing at this mountain, and eventually get stranded on the ski lift.  "How did they get stuck on the ski lift?"- you may ask, well ill tell ya!.   So the girl of the group flirted around with the ski lift guy in order to get cheaper tickets, they ski around then decide they want to go one more time before it closes, so they beg the ski lift guy (that hooked them up before) to let them go one more time. So hes like raaaa okay!.  and as they were going up the ski lift, the ski lift guyyyy has to leave and he says to the guy replacing him "theres 3 left, wait for them to come down, then shut it down", then 3 people come down (who are NOT the people he let on the lift) and the new guy is like UT 3 PEOPLE *Shuts down ski lift*.  now this sounds kind of unbelievable, but as I watched it, the chances of that actually happening seemed possible! 

 

      I actually liked this movie.  It triggered some of my fear senses that other horror movies do not.  I felt claustrophobic and anxious.  Also the age and styles of the kids are similar to mine, so it was easy for me to relate and put myself in their position.  The actors also did a good job expressing the terror they were in, making the movie pretty emotional.  While watching, I was constantly thinking what I would do in their situation, and I think the plot covered all the possibilities really accurately. OH and one of the reasons I decided to watch this film was because it was supposed to be based in a New England ski resort, but it turns out, they filmed the entire movie in Utah, so that wasn't cool man.  What was cool! was the huge Newbury Comics sign featured in one of the beginning scenes!

      Other than the fear of heights and freezing to death, the movie added the fear of being attacked by wolves, which was kind of cheesy IMO. but ill let it pass! (bears would of been scarier).  The movie definitely had some gross parts, including the girls hands being frozen to the safety bar, and Dans bones sticking out of his legs after he jumped. asihdiashd.  I found it annoying when the girl finally made it down and she was touching trees and digging through snow with the hand that was frozen to the bar, with no problem (I think that made me cringe worse than the other scenes).

      Overall it was better than I expected, I recommend it to anyone who like movies that are based on unfortunate events or movies where the characters are forced to try to survive situations!.

Machete (2010)

  
      Jussst finished watching Machete, directed by Robert Rodriguez, staring Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, CHEECH, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal and others.  Overall I really enjoyed this film. It has the awesome fight scenes and brutal deaths like I anticipated it would
(including pulling out a guys intestines and using them as a bungee cord jumping out a window), but it also had a good plot that I didn't expect going in.

      Its about this guy Machete, who gets his revenge on this organization that betrayed him after they hired him to shoot Senator John McLaughlin (De Niro).  There are two sides of people in this movie,  the illegal immigrants, and the people that are trying to keep them out.  I found it difficult to follow who was on whose side at some points of the movie.  But yeah, Alba was sexy as all hell, playing this immigration officer, who hunts down machete, but then hears his story of how he was betrayed and teams up with him! so yeah, they go and team up with other people to go against people who are teaming up with other people and then they fight!  I feel like this was Danny Trejo's ideal role.  To finally have the spotlight as the badass of the movie, and even though he was the main character, he didn't even have that many speaking scenes, half the time it was him just staring down the other characters.

      
      The editing of this movie was spot on to the editing in Planet Terror, including the fake film grain in the beginning of the film, which is kewl!  Other than its ridiculous gore, and somewhat serious plot, the movie had some really funny parts. (example- redneck throwing up every time someone was shot).  This movie had all the ingredients to make it good.
Gore + Humor + Good Plot + Jessica Albas fine ass = Good Movie.
Also coming in to this movie I wasn't looking forward to Michelle Rodriguez, just because I was annoyed with her "im a badass bitch!" one liners in Avatar.  Unfortunately she had the exact attitude in this movie, but she looked way hotter in this movie, than in avatar, so ill allow it!
      So go see this movie if you enjoy Planet Terror, awesome gore, Danny Trejo, or Fine Booty,

Exam (2009)

 
      Blah, just watched Exam, an independent movie by Stuart Hazeldine.  Oh never heard of him? neither has anyone else  So the movie is about these 8 people who made it to this final stage, in the process of getting some high ranked job in this big corporation. So these fools are in this room, and this guy comes in and goes "blah blah, i have a deep voice..... you cant talk to me or the guard..... there is one question....and one answer..you have 80 minutes to figure this out......any questions?"  (or something along those lines)... no one answers anything because, they aren't supposed to talk to him!  so they flip over the paper and find out that it is blank! GASP.  so basically everyone goes crazy trying to figure out the question and blah blah.

      I did enjoy the movie to an extent.  The whole movie took place in this one room.  no flashbacks, nothing else. just 8 people, in one room, So for them to take those circumstances and still keep me entertained was a pretty successful task.  I thought the acting was good. the editing and everything was good, nothing special. I recommend this movie to those who enjoy films that get you involved and that include puzzling plots!, Similar movies that I've seen include 9 dead, cube and even the saw movies have  similarities with this movie.

      The end result of this movie didn't trigger my "ohhhhh shittttt!!" senses like I anticipated going in, instead I was left thinking..."so...ok......why?....wait whos that?...oh....wait....why though?"

      So basically this girl eventually figures out a way to view what was written on the paper by thinking back to what this french guy was saying about "seeing what you want to see" or something like that.. she finds "question 1."  on the paper, which isn't a question at all.  So then shes like WAIT A TICK? the question was "ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?" that the guy said in the beginning of the "Exam".  this question "are there any questions?" is referring to, are there any questions on the test, and the answer is No..there aren't any questions on the test.  so cool, she won, she got the right answer.  but then they throw a curve ball and go HEY YOU KNOW THAT FRENCH GUY, WELL HES THE MAIN GUY OF THIS CORPORATION AND HE FOUND A CURE FOR THIS DISEASE THAT'S KILLING EVERYONE,  this part confuses me because I don't see why he was one of the 8 people. There's a lot more to it then what I just explained, but I've been over thinking this way to much, and already forgot half of what I just watched, Corn.

 

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

 
      So I just finished watching Cannibal Holocaust, Directed by Ruggero Deodato.  My main reason for watching this film is because Eli Roth highly suggests it in countless interviews.  Before viewing, I was told that this is one of the most disgusting movies every made, which got me even more excited to watch it.

      Overall I was disgusted, but on the disgusting scale from 1-10 (10 being me throwing up forcing someone to turn it off) it was about a 7.  It definitely had its gross parts, including chopping the heads of turtles and monkeys off, and countless rape scenes, one in particular involving a rock.  But other than that, the story was pretty interesting.  It was about a film crew who went into the south american jungle to study these cannibals.  well these people ended up going missing, So this other group went out to try and find them.  Eventually this group made (somewhat) peace with these cannibals, and doing so, found the film crew dead.  But they have also discovered all the film that the film crew had filmed before they had died.  so the second half of the movie is re watching what the first group did and blah blah.  It turns out the film crew were just as crazy as the cannibals they were studying!

      But yeah it was a very interesting film.  Call me crazy! but I think cannibalism in itself is scary enough, so to have this movie show them torturing, raping, and eating people, added to that fear.

      I suggest this movie to those who like disgusting horror films! and although I gave it a 7 on the disgusting scale, I'm pretty sure the average movie viewer would give it an easy 10, SO KEEP THAT IN MIND BEFORE VIEWING!

Black Swan (2010)

       Just saw Black Swan directed by Darren Aronofsky, who is known for directing movies like Requiem For A Dream, Pi, and The Wrestler, all of which I have not seen, so I had no idea what the style of the film was going to be like.  but what I did know is that THIS movie stars the bonified Natalie Portman, which is enough for me to go! ya see!.  So overall the movie kept my attention. It left me with a weird feeling, hours after watching.  All of the characters in the movie were portrayed very well.  Portman lost a buncha weight for this role, which is definitely noticed while watching.  Other than Portman and Kunis, I didn't recognize any of the other actors, but one that was very effective to me was the instructor  played by Vincent Cassel.  Cassel does a great job playing the strict hardass instructor, who is constantly trying to get Portmans character to "lose herself" in the dance, and become more like the black swan.  blah blah, also the entire movie was made up of blacks and whites, which added to the eerie feel of the whole thing.

      But Anyways, its a story of a extremely dedicated dancer named Nina (portman) who gets the lead for "Swan Lake".  Now, Swan Lake is the story of  a "Virginal girl, pure and sweet, trapped in the body of a swan. She desires freedom but only true love can break the spell. Her wish is nearly granted in the form of a prince, but before he can declare his love her lustful twin, the black swan, tricks and seduces him. Devastated the white swan leaps of a cliff killing herself and, in death, finds freedom. " (-Thomas Leroy - the ballet instructor)

      Now, Throughout the movie Portmans character displays the traits of the white swan, but not the black swan.  Mila Kunis's character Lily, displays the traits of the BLACK swan.  So Nina watches Lily and eventually learns how to "lose herself" and become both roles blah blah.
And as you might of guessed, Nina and Lily get it on! (OR DO THEY?)
Lily wants to portray the role perfectly, and she achieves perfection by killing herself at the end of the show!

      So if you like Portman, and want to see her have orgasms, and get fondled, then go see this movie.

 

**Introducing the Corn Cob Scale** (8/10)